ok, now I'm tired

I tried falling asleep already but I can’t due to being really freaking wired. That is completely OK with me right now due to it being a Sunday Morning / Saturday Night. I don’t have anything to do tomorrow morning except sleep in. So I figured I might sum up the weekend to get myself sleepy.

Friday night Drew threw a bash at his place, celebrating turning 21 on Thursday. This night was whole gobs of fun. I was a bit off almost all night for some reason. Now here comes the spectacular part where I can analyze why I wasn’t the life of the party:

  1. I showed up tired due to sleep deprivation the past few days before the night.
  2. There was a whole bunch of CDO chums there reminiscing about times I wouldn’t know about.
  3. There was a hell of a lot of drinking in which I didn’t partake in.

But don’t get me wrong, I had a terrific time Friday night; it just took me a little bit to find my place. It was a bout the moment when I busted out the camera that I started having a lot of fun. I guess I seem it to be interesting to read into meaningless crap sometimes. I guess it could give readers a glimpse into my head. Isn’t that the point of keeping a Journal anyway?

And on the subject of reading into shit, I got a good whiff of Autumn’s berry hard lemonade. I wanted to taste it but I was held back. This reminded me of a moment in high school when I took a sip of some “Dr Pepper” in English class sophomore year. I then made a tiny scene, without the teacher’s attention, spitting it slowly onto the carpet because it was spiked. That’s one of those strange adolescent moments that pop in my head from time to time. I was afraid of alcohol back then, because I had seen the impact it had on my father. I had sworn to myself I wouldn’t ever get drunk, and afraid that mouthful of spiked Dr Pepper would do me in. Wanting a sip of the berry hard lemonade reminded me of that feeling, and how god damn immature I can still be about booze. Granted I spent many years in rehab/AA from 17 to 22 but after being out of it for a little while I figured I should have grown up since in regards to booze. I can see being uncomfortable around pot, because I have had bad experience with it, but I’ve never been drunk in my life.

And on top of that, I have been growing to resent some AA’s because of growing interest on who’s stepped off the wagon or not. I didn’t want to write this in my journal due to risks of being passive but… some people I have known and/or met in AA have stepped off the wagon and chose to confide in me about them doing so. Being a person who has let the rooms they believe I am trustworthy with this information, and then AA’s ask me about whether or not so and so is off the wagon. Leaving AA was fucking scary; I thought I was going to lose all my friends. This was much like the feeling of pathway, but less depressing because I was only there for a year. Making friends in AA was easy because you had meetings and got to know complete strangers really well within an hour, that’s hard to find elsewhere, hence, leaving AA is fucking scary. In hindsight I have lost a handful of old AA friends after leaving, but those were “friends”; people who judged your friendship over whether or not you drink, and base spirituality on such things. I could guarantee you if I took that sip of that hard lemonade I still would still be in touch with God as I was before. If I lose any AA friends over this paragraph, I’m sorry, but I don’t need any more of that “high horse” prejudice in my life any more. I have done this to people in pathway, now I’ve felt it from the other side, it hurts. I’m in no way perfect, I just hope to never Judge anyone like that ever again.

Saturday has been great. Autumn and I watched American Splendor, which is a very hard to explain movie starring “pig vomit” that is true to life. I guess I could compare it to Lost in Translation, but we walked out of that one. American splendor was a tad more interesting towards the end. It got a few laughs out of me with the start of his romance with the fan of his comic, but I’m not going to say you should see it.

Later on, I spent a few hours posting pictures and working on some code on my website. I only feel this a notable moment in my Saturday due to a great feeling of genius I received from actually making some things work on there. I’m particularly proud of the previous and next buttons on the image page which involved looping statements that access the database, and a little math to figure the page relative to the image. I sat back and ogled at my own coding skills afterward like that moment in Antitrust where Ryan Phillipe is ogling over Tim Robbins’ source code for that project thingy. That’s really what I like about programming, the pride you get after writing something that works well.

Even later on, Autumn and I headed down to Safehouse where I got to finally get some of my confusing ass math homework done due to the help of the new Ryan (not a replacement, just a new friend who also has the name Ryan). Then Ryan, Robby, Veronica, Autumn, and I all headed down to grill to feed a 1AM hunger like nothing else. It was a good night, great food, great spirits. It has been a good weekend. And after I sleep ’till the wee hours of the afternoon, the great Autumn and Ray homework binge begins.

until next time.

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